The Dymaxion – the car that every male adult industry star should drive

You know what they say about those smug dudes with Maseratis and overcompensation, right?

(Hint: Small penis. It´s small penis. They have that.)

Now, you may also know this does not work the other way. I found this out the hard way recently, when my car dealer advised me to replace my BMW with an ´89 Nissan so passers-by of the female persuasion would be quicker to, in his words, “take notice of the supremeness of my dong”.

Probably should have noticed that the guy giving me the speech drove a Ferrari himself.

But for the sake of a blog entry, let´s imagine the car dealer actually took the measuring tape out every time a guy would walk into the store and all the Hummers and the cool sports cars would really go to the worst-endowed. What would Ron Jeremy and his homies drive away with?

The Dymaxion car, that´s what.

Looking like something Batman will be forced to trade the Batmobile in for when he settles down and starts a family, the Dymaxion car is one of the many brainchilds of one R. Buckminster Fuller.
Fuller was a renaissance man extraordinaire with his many achievements in literature, architecture, engineering and perhaps his greatest passion, futurism.
A prime example of his obsession with the future, his 1933 Dymaxion car was a three-wheeled van modeled after zeppelins. In fact it was more than that – It actually started off as a blimp itself.

Which didn´t affect the design at all.

So, what´s wrong with it?

Fuller was famous for a great many things, one of which was his tendency to hit several miles off the target every now and then. Such was the case with the Dymaxion. A novel concept, it was originally conceived as a blimp/car hybrid, the blimp part of which was quickly dropped after someone carefully explained Fuller that even in the Thirties this would be the most pathetic possible method of making a flying car. Condemned to remain flightless, Dymaxion was however modeled after aircrafts in order to increase its aerodynamic efficiency. This gave it its distinctive look of a rotorless helicopter slash confused bug.

Confused, yet strangely dazed.

Another fun fact of the Dymaxion: it utilized rear wheel steering in favor of the more conventional front-wheel kind. While giving the car an ability to do a U-turn in its own length, this was quickly found to play merry hell with the driver´s natural reactions and make the driving experience rather like having your common sense pelted with monkey asses.
Despite all evidence to the contrary, Fuller had faith in his product and arranged a demonstration for the public at the 1933 Chicago World Fair. The car – possibly disgruntled by the fact that it had been forever denied the skies – promptly responded to his trust… by killing its driver.

Wait, what?

The Dymaxion, in its first ever showing to the public, keeled over the first chance it got, crushing the driver and hospitalizing the two passengers with some serious injuries.

A situation easily avoided with the right choice of driver.

Turns out  the careful aerodynamical analysis was all in vain: the car not only handled like shit, it had some real balance issues, especially in certain wind conditions. These problems, to the surprise of absolutely no one but its designer, were brought by the very visible fact that Dymaxion car was shaped like a goddamn football and had only three goddamn wheels. While the rest of the world silently swept the thing under the rug and went on with their lives, the designer himself claimed that the accident at the world fair had been caused by another vehicle harassing the Dymaxion. This did not help him, as the vehicle´s reputation never fully recovered from this initial setback and it never saw the assembly line.

So where can Ron Jeremy get one?

There´s only one surviving prototype, which is neither running nor for sale, so unless Ron has a knack for grand larceny AND antique mechanics, he can´t. Really old VW Transporters have some similar elements, so that´s probably your next best bet.

As an added bonus they may also be infested with hippies.

However…

Perhaps the most frightening aspect of the Dymaxion car is the fact that Dymaxion was never a name of the car.

It was a name for the brand.

That´s right, Fuller dreamt up a whole range of Dymaxion …things, which the designer maintained would somehow improve the general quality of peoples´ lives. The product range included things like a world map, presented for some reason in the form of a d20 die.

Oh yeah, and a house.

Oh shit run

An actual Dymaxion house.

For people to live in.

We can´t imagine how a house made by the designer of the Dymaxion car could ever help anyone in anything. Except maybe by performing euthanasias. To, perhaps, overly hung assholes.
Just saying.

Begin your journey amongst the horrors that came from R.Buckminster Fuller´s mind here.

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2 Comments

Filed under Comedy

2 responses to “The Dymaxion – the car that every male adult industry star should drive

  1. Oh how cruel to the lovely Dymaxion house… let me guess, it’s been demolished and replaced with something more beautiful, like another Makkaratalo? 😉

  2. Come now, Makkaratalo is awesome. I grew up in the shadow of that building dong. When the owners renovated it I was quietly gathering rebel forces to storm their headquarters, having been under the mistaken impression that they were going to remove the sausage thing.

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