Cracked stuff, part deux

This one came up yesterday. It´s the third  and by far most traumatizing entry in what I insist on calling my “Beauty Trilogy”.

http://www.cracked.com/article_19110_6-beauty-products-that-qualify-as-torture.html

Leave a comment

Filed under Blog entry, Comedy

Cracked stuff, part one

See? This is what I´ve been up to.

Here´s my third article for Cracked.com, regarding attack helicopters and dog sunglasses, among other things:

http://www.cracked.com/article_19088_6-brilliant-inventions-that-look-like-gag-gifts.html

Leave a comment

Filed under Blog entry, Comedy

Holy shit! An update!

I am a bad person for not updating this for over a month, but I hope the short sharp shitstorm of links that will follow this post more than make up for it. As you can see, I´ve been a bit busy….

Leave a comment

Filed under Blog entry

Pet products that should be outlawed as animal abuse

It seems that nowadays there´s four animal rights activists for every actual animal. Yet no one seems to mind that crap like this is around.

POOP-FREEZE

Technically this is a very practical idea for removing the unpleasant squish factor from shit picking. Still, we must question the idea of giving a grumpy pet owner that is tasked with picking said poop – and may very well be used to occasionally discipline the pet with some water from a spray bottle – a spray bottle of goddamn freezing agent. Your Labrador is just one sleepy morning walk and some misguided muscle memory away from a chance to perfect its T-1000 imitation. (albeit the product “only” freezes till -62F).
Also, for it to work on the turd, you need to spray it all over. You need to manually flip the poop.

http://www.poopfreeze.com/product1.htm

PAWLISH

Nail polish for dogs and cats. Both of which have an acute sense of smell and a natural aversion for people touching their nails.
From an user´s point of view: have you ever tried to give a cat a bath? If so, you´re an idiot, but one with some insight as to how cats behave when subjected to shit they´re not cool with. Putting nail polish on a cat is like spreading lube on a samurai´s katana while giving him the finger.
http://www.ipetscene.com/petfinds/index.php/opi-nail-polish-for-dogs-and-cats/

REAR GEAR



It´s an anus cover that´s tied around the tail.
You can choose from nine different models – or send them a picture for your own custom poop chute cover. Hell, be really meta and send them a picture of a dog´s butt.
http://www.reargearstore.com/

SECURE OUTDOOR CAT RUNS


Does your cat enjoy freedom? Fuck that noise!
Orange cat jumpsuit with Guantanamo insignia sold separately.
http://www.treasures4home.com/cart/index.php?main_page=product_info&cPath=66&products_id=9598
http://www.catsplay.com/kittywalk_lawn.php3

HAIR DYES




What could go wrong? Apart from dogs and cats having very sensitive skin, their fur working very differently from human hair and cats washing themselves with their tongues.
http://www.baxterboo.com/dog/supplies.cfm/top-performance-dog-hair-dye-gels
http://hubpages.com/hub/Why-Dye-Your-Dogs-Fur
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1284646/Meet-Tiger-Dog-Chinese-owners-dye-pets-look-like-wild-animals.html

 

VIBRATING MASSAGE GLOVES


Soothe your pet with a battery operated, vibrating massage! Because every battery operating vibrating thing we´ve ever seen is completely silent and not at all a scary hell-machine to all animals.
Also, the product seems somehow familiar to us…

Ah. That´s it. Glad that it wasn´t something that would make things weird.

http://www.bookofjoe.com/2008/10/vibrating-pet-m.html

SCOOP NO MORE

A DVD that promises to toilet train your kitten. No word on how it will deal with the human ass sized seat. Or, for that matter, flush.
http://www.kittystoreonline.com/cattoilettrainingdvd

THE FROLICAT


Hey, know those laser pointers that dogs and cats go absolutely nuts about and are unable to leave alone? Well, now they can chase them forever and ever and ever and ever.
http://www.frolicat.com/

CLOTHES






“No, it´s for Fluffy. Really. Not for our own amusement at all.”

THE PET STROLLER


“Wanna go for a walk, Dave?”
“Yeah, sure. But what about Buster? I´m not comfortable leaving him alone, but everybody knows dogs hate walks.”
“Don´t worry about that. I´ve got just the thing.”
http://bestpetstrollers.info/
Fun “justifications” for product: http://www.squidoo.com/dog-pet-strollers

4 Comments

Filed under Comedy

Quickie: Cracked.com stuff is up!

OK, so things have been a little crazy and when things are getting crazy, the first thing to suffer are the blog entries.

Sorry about that, Carlo and the two other possibly imaginary people who check here regularly.  I´ve got a couple of good things coming, just you wait.

But the reason I´ve been busy is a good one. Cracked.com, where I´m freelancing, has been publishing my stuff this week in not only one, but two days.

Here are the links. I hope you will enjoy them!

6 Diet Fads For People Who Will Try Anything Except Exercise

2 Comments

Filed under Blog entry

8 real restaurants that must be secretly operated by supervillains

 
1. HELL PIZZA

What we have here is a New Zealand based pizza parlor with a Hell theme. Nothing new there,  must be thousands of bars and restaurants out there flirting with devil imagery. Hell Pizza, however, takes its game a lot further than the rest.
A fun running gag for the company is deadly sin themed pizzas, such as Lust Pizza:

Yes, that is a pizza/Durex collaboration.
Pizzas also come in fun, themed shapes:

And what would be better as a properly themed tie-in product with your Lust Pizza than…

Of course, one must also think of the packaging:

And who would be the perfect spokesperson for a good devil themed pizza joint?

Yeah, I guess that makes sense. Wait, no it doesn´t.
In case you´re still doubting Hell Pizza´s credentials, an amusing little true story:

In 2008, a man called Walter Scott offered to sell his soul to the company, which of course promptly bought it. It was worth $5001.
 

 

Who´s probably behind it:

 

2. NINJA NEW YORK

 

A Ninja themed restaurant in, no shit, New York. The customers are served by sword and nunchaku wielding assassins that also provide entertainment with shuriken tricks and suchlike.

It´s probably better not to complain about the food. 

  

Who´s probably behind it:

  

No turtle soup on the menu, but boy is he trying.

 

3. RISING SUN ANGER RELEASE BAR

 

A bar in Japan where customers may vent stress caused by shopping sprees and 90-hour work weeks. How? By breaking stuff and attacking the staff, that´s how.

The staff, it should be mentioned, looks like this:

 


 

Who´s probably behind it:

 
 

If you really want to screw with them, book a table as Robert Paulson.

 

4. DICK´S LAST RESORT RESTAURANT
 

Possibly the world´s only restaurant chain with a (deliberate) “fucking with the customer” theme. Patrons of Dick’s are routinely insulted and placed in uncomfortable gag situations such as being forced to wear a paper hat with insults scribbled on it by the waiters:
 

The restaurant has honed its one-upping  skills to the point of the rudeness possibly not happening at all if they see that you are expecting it.

  

Who´s probably behind it:

 
 

  

5. HEART ATTACK GRILL

 

A super greasy fast food joint in Arizona that is up front about its products: in fact they straight up tell you  their products are going to kill you. Any minute now.  Uses sexism and health complaints as part of its  marketing strategy, offers free burgers for the morbidly obese.

 

Who´s probably behind it:

 

 

6. PRINCESS HEART

 

A café/restaurant in Tokyo, where staff are servants and customers are pretty, pretty princesses in a fairy forest, sitting on cute little thrones, sipping champagne and eating whatever the hell it is princesses eat. A major flytrap for young women embracing their inner royalty.

  

Who´s probably behind it:

 

Let´s see… who has the motivation to pamper people as princesses? It´s almost as if someone was trying to lure in actual princesses...

Ah.

 

 

7. HITLER´S CROSS 

A Bombay restaurant that set up a predictable shitstorm with a Hitler theme. Apparently the logic behind this one was that everyone knows Hitler so he´ll make a great mascot!

It´s still there, though under a different name – the owners noticed their initial décor wrought havoc on the sales and begrudgingly shoved all their precious nazi memorabilia in a closet for the time people will be ready for their grand vision.


  

Who´s probably behind it:

 

  

8. CALICO CAT CAFE

It´s a café. Where you eat and drink. While petting cats. Because Japan.


 You want fries with that?

 

Who´s probably behind it:

 

4 Comments

Filed under Comedy

The Dymaxion – the car that every male adult industry star should drive

You know what they say about those smug dudes with Maseratis and overcompensation, right?

(Hint: Small penis. It´s small penis. They have that.)

Now, you may also know this does not work the other way. I found this out the hard way recently, when my car dealer advised me to replace my BMW with an ´89 Nissan so passers-by of the female persuasion would be quicker to, in his words, “take notice of the supremeness of my dong”.

Probably should have noticed that the guy giving me the speech drove a Ferrari himself.

But for the sake of a blog entry, let´s imagine the car dealer actually took the measuring tape out every time a guy would walk into the store and all the Hummers and the cool sports cars would really go to the worst-endowed. What would Ron Jeremy and his homies drive away with?

The Dymaxion car, that´s what.

Looking like something Batman will be forced to trade the Batmobile in for when he settles down and starts a family, the Dymaxion car is one of the many brainchilds of one R. Buckminster Fuller.
Fuller was a renaissance man extraordinaire with his many achievements in literature, architecture, engineering and perhaps his greatest passion, futurism.
A prime example of his obsession with the future, his 1933 Dymaxion car was a three-wheeled van modeled after zeppelins. In fact it was more than that – It actually started off as a blimp itself.

Which didn´t affect the design at all.

So, what´s wrong with it?

Fuller was famous for a great many things, one of which was his tendency to hit several miles off the target every now and then. Such was the case with the Dymaxion. A novel concept, it was originally conceived as a blimp/car hybrid, the blimp part of which was quickly dropped after someone carefully explained Fuller that even in the Thirties this would be the most pathetic possible method of making a flying car. Condemned to remain flightless, Dymaxion was however modeled after aircrafts in order to increase its aerodynamic efficiency. This gave it its distinctive look of a rotorless helicopter slash confused bug.

Confused, yet strangely dazed.

Another fun fact of the Dymaxion: it utilized rear wheel steering in favor of the more conventional front-wheel kind. While giving the car an ability to do a U-turn in its own length, this was quickly found to play merry hell with the driver´s natural reactions and make the driving experience rather like having your common sense pelted with monkey asses.
Despite all evidence to the contrary, Fuller had faith in his product and arranged a demonstration for the public at the 1933 Chicago World Fair. The car – possibly disgruntled by the fact that it had been forever denied the skies – promptly responded to his trust… by killing its driver.

Wait, what?

The Dymaxion, in its first ever showing to the public, keeled over the first chance it got, crushing the driver and hospitalizing the two passengers with some serious injuries.

A situation easily avoided with the right choice of driver.

Turns out  the careful aerodynamical analysis was all in vain: the car not only handled like shit, it had some real balance issues, especially in certain wind conditions. These problems, to the surprise of absolutely no one but its designer, were brought by the very visible fact that Dymaxion car was shaped like a goddamn football and had only three goddamn wheels. While the rest of the world silently swept the thing under the rug and went on with their lives, the designer himself claimed that the accident at the world fair had been caused by another vehicle harassing the Dymaxion. This did not help him, as the vehicle´s reputation never fully recovered from this initial setback and it never saw the assembly line.

So where can Ron Jeremy get one?

There´s only one surviving prototype, which is neither running nor for sale, so unless Ron has a knack for grand larceny AND antique mechanics, he can´t. Really old VW Transporters have some similar elements, so that´s probably your next best bet.

As an added bonus they may also be infested with hippies.

However…

Perhaps the most frightening aspect of the Dymaxion car is the fact that Dymaxion was never a name of the car.

It was a name for the brand.

That´s right, Fuller dreamt up a whole range of Dymaxion …things, which the designer maintained would somehow improve the general quality of peoples´ lives. The product range included things like a world map, presented for some reason in the form of a d20 die.

Oh yeah, and a house.

Oh shit run

An actual Dymaxion house.

For people to live in.

We can´t imagine how a house made by the designer of the Dymaxion car could ever help anyone in anything. Except maybe by performing euthanasias. To, perhaps, overly hung assholes.
Just saying.

Begin your journey amongst the horrors that came from R.Buckminster Fuller´s mind here.

2 Comments

Filed under Comedy