Category Archives: Comedy

Excuses: The Game

So, it´s been a while since I put anything worthwhile  here. I know. Sorry. As is the ancient custom of ass-for-brains bloggers who never remember to post anything, I will now provide you with a suitable set of excuses as to why I´ve been holdin´ out on that sweet, sweet halfassed comedy you can get absolutely nowhere else on the Internet wheresoever.

But know, dear readers, that you have been on my mind. All four of you. Sometimes not a month goes by without my vaguely remembering your existence, at least on a theoretical level. Therefore, I want to give you something more than just those same old boring “look, I´ve been real busy” explanations. That shit is just the blogger whining for attention until someone rubs his belly in the comments section.

So, to make this real interesting, I suggest we do this as a game. Yeah! I know! Fuckin´A!

Let´s do this! Here are the rules:

Rule One: You will not talk about Fight Club  Um. No, that´s not what we´re doing here.

Rule Two: You will not talk about Fight Club What? No! Let´s start over.

Rule One: You will not talk about Fi  Er. This is rather embarassing. See, I saw that movie a while ago and now I can´t seem to write anything about rules without it turning into a Fight Club joke. It´s a condition I have.

Okay, I´ll give it one more try:

Rule One: You

GOD DAMMIT

Look, just guess which excuses are correct, ok? The one who gets the most points is the winner.

Here goes!

Excuse 1: Day job was hectic for quite some time there.

Excuse 2: I had a whole month´s vacation – first one since I was a kid!

Excuse 3: I moved to another city.

Excuse 4: Hardware problems.

Excuse 5: I joined a cult.

Excuse 6: A dog ate my Internet.

Excuse 7: An Internet ate my dog.

Excuse 8: Ha! I don´t even have a dog and am in fact making all this up because I´m too lazy to come up with a proper explanation.

Excuse 9: Shit, I just revealed my cunning plan there. That was probably a bad move.

Excuse 10: I joined a kickass writers´ collective that consists of some of the best freelance talent of a certain major website I´ve been writing for.

Excuse 11: I´ve just been busy preparing and researching a bunch of articles and pitches that are nearing their completion. From now on I´m going to update this blog at least once a week, as a rule.

rule? Wait, shit! I didn´t mean to –

Rule 1: You will not talk about Fight Cl

You will not talk about F

You will not talk

You will not 

GOD DAMMIT

(Correct answers will be posted tomorrow!)

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OK, now you´re just rubbing it in

Take a look at the Cracked.com front page. Go ahead, I´ll wait.

Yeah. It´s me again.

I don´t know what is going on, but judging by the existing evidence I must have been extra nice in a previous life, or last Christmas, or last Christmas in a previous life.
Seriously, I must´ve been like Gandhi. Granted, Gandhi probably wasn´t all that keen on Christmas, but…

…alright, running out of metaphors here. Just read the article, willya?

http://www.cracked.com/article_19117_7-horrible-ways-universe-can-destroy-us-without-warning.html

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Cracked stuff, part treux

“Wait, what?” you ask? “Even more articles?”

Why, yes! Please enjoy my Friday Special. It´s about how mankind should save nature, and also about making bacteria poop.

But mostly about making bacteria poop.

http://www.cracked.com/article_19133_6-ways-nature-cleans-up-our-messes-better-than-we-do.html

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Cracked stuff, part deux

This one came up yesterday. It´s the third  and by far most traumatizing entry in what I insist on calling my “Beauty Trilogy”.

http://www.cracked.com/article_19110_6-beauty-products-that-qualify-as-torture.html

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Cracked stuff, part one

See? This is what I´ve been up to.

Here´s my third article for Cracked.com, regarding attack helicopters and dog sunglasses, among other things:

http://www.cracked.com/article_19088_6-brilliant-inventions-that-look-like-gag-gifts.html

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Pet products that should be outlawed as animal abuse

It seems that nowadays there´s four animal rights activists for every actual animal. Yet no one seems to mind that crap like this is around.

POOP-FREEZE

Technically this is a very practical idea for removing the unpleasant squish factor from shit picking. Still, we must question the idea of giving a grumpy pet owner that is tasked with picking said poop – and may very well be used to occasionally discipline the pet with some water from a spray bottle – a spray bottle of goddamn freezing agent. Your Labrador is just one sleepy morning walk and some misguided muscle memory away from a chance to perfect its T-1000 imitation. (albeit the product “only” freezes till -62F).
Also, for it to work on the turd, you need to spray it all over. You need to manually flip the poop.

http://www.poopfreeze.com/product1.htm

PAWLISH

Nail polish for dogs and cats. Both of which have an acute sense of smell and a natural aversion for people touching their nails.
From an user´s point of view: have you ever tried to give a cat a bath? If so, you´re an idiot, but one with some insight as to how cats behave when subjected to shit they´re not cool with. Putting nail polish on a cat is like spreading lube on a samurai´s katana while giving him the finger.
http://www.ipetscene.com/petfinds/index.php/opi-nail-polish-for-dogs-and-cats/

REAR GEAR



It´s an anus cover that´s tied around the tail.
You can choose from nine different models – or send them a picture for your own custom poop chute cover. Hell, be really meta and send them a picture of a dog´s butt.
http://www.reargearstore.com/

SECURE OUTDOOR CAT RUNS


Does your cat enjoy freedom? Fuck that noise!
Orange cat jumpsuit with Guantanamo insignia sold separately.
http://www.treasures4home.com/cart/index.php?main_page=product_info&cPath=66&products_id=9598
http://www.catsplay.com/kittywalk_lawn.php3

HAIR DYES




What could go wrong? Apart from dogs and cats having very sensitive skin, their fur working very differently from human hair and cats washing themselves with their tongues.
http://www.baxterboo.com/dog/supplies.cfm/top-performance-dog-hair-dye-gels
http://hubpages.com/hub/Why-Dye-Your-Dogs-Fur
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1284646/Meet-Tiger-Dog-Chinese-owners-dye-pets-look-like-wild-animals.html

 

VIBRATING MASSAGE GLOVES


Soothe your pet with a battery operated, vibrating massage! Because every battery operating vibrating thing we´ve ever seen is completely silent and not at all a scary hell-machine to all animals.
Also, the product seems somehow familiar to us…

Ah. That´s it. Glad that it wasn´t something that would make things weird.

http://www.bookofjoe.com/2008/10/vibrating-pet-m.html

SCOOP NO MORE

A DVD that promises to toilet train your kitten. No word on how it will deal with the human ass sized seat. Or, for that matter, flush.
http://www.kittystoreonline.com/cattoilettrainingdvd

THE FROLICAT


Hey, know those laser pointers that dogs and cats go absolutely nuts about and are unable to leave alone? Well, now they can chase them forever and ever and ever and ever.
http://www.frolicat.com/

CLOTHES






“No, it´s for Fluffy. Really. Not for our own amusement at all.”

THE PET STROLLER


“Wanna go for a walk, Dave?”
“Yeah, sure. But what about Buster? I´m not comfortable leaving him alone, but everybody knows dogs hate walks.”
“Don´t worry about that. I´ve got just the thing.”
http://bestpetstrollers.info/
Fun “justifications” for product: http://www.squidoo.com/dog-pet-strollers

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8 real restaurants that must be secretly operated by supervillains

 
1. HELL PIZZA

What we have here is a New Zealand based pizza parlor with a Hell theme. Nothing new there,  must be thousands of bars and restaurants out there flirting with devil imagery. Hell Pizza, however, takes its game a lot further than the rest.
A fun running gag for the company is deadly sin themed pizzas, such as Lust Pizza:

Yes, that is a pizza/Durex collaboration.
Pizzas also come in fun, themed shapes:

And what would be better as a properly themed tie-in product with your Lust Pizza than…

Of course, one must also think of the packaging:

And who would be the perfect spokesperson for a good devil themed pizza joint?

Yeah, I guess that makes sense. Wait, no it doesn´t.
In case you´re still doubting Hell Pizza´s credentials, an amusing little true story:

In 2008, a man called Walter Scott offered to sell his soul to the company, which of course promptly bought it. It was worth $5001.
 

 

Who´s probably behind it:

 

2. NINJA NEW YORK

 

A Ninja themed restaurant in, no shit, New York. The customers are served by sword and nunchaku wielding assassins that also provide entertainment with shuriken tricks and suchlike.

It´s probably better not to complain about the food. 

  

Who´s probably behind it:

  

No turtle soup on the menu, but boy is he trying.

 

3. RISING SUN ANGER RELEASE BAR

 

A bar in Japan where customers may vent stress caused by shopping sprees and 90-hour work weeks. How? By breaking stuff and attacking the staff, that´s how.

The staff, it should be mentioned, looks like this:

 


 

Who´s probably behind it:

 
 

If you really want to screw with them, book a table as Robert Paulson.

 

4. DICK´S LAST RESORT RESTAURANT
 

Possibly the world´s only restaurant chain with a (deliberate) “fucking with the customer” theme. Patrons of Dick’s are routinely insulted and placed in uncomfortable gag situations such as being forced to wear a paper hat with insults scribbled on it by the waiters:
 

The restaurant has honed its one-upping  skills to the point of the rudeness possibly not happening at all if they see that you are expecting it.

  

Who´s probably behind it:

 
 

  

5. HEART ATTACK GRILL

 

A super greasy fast food joint in Arizona that is up front about its products: in fact they straight up tell you  their products are going to kill you. Any minute now.  Uses sexism and health complaints as part of its  marketing strategy, offers free burgers for the morbidly obese.

 

Who´s probably behind it:

 

 

6. PRINCESS HEART

 

A café/restaurant in Tokyo, where staff are servants and customers are pretty, pretty princesses in a fairy forest, sitting on cute little thrones, sipping champagne and eating whatever the hell it is princesses eat. A major flytrap for young women embracing their inner royalty.

  

Who´s probably behind it:

 

Let´s see… who has the motivation to pamper people as princesses? It´s almost as if someone was trying to lure in actual princesses...

Ah.

 

 

7. HITLER´S CROSS 

A Bombay restaurant that set up a predictable shitstorm with a Hitler theme. Apparently the logic behind this one was that everyone knows Hitler so he´ll make a great mascot!

It´s still there, though under a different name – the owners noticed their initial décor wrought havoc on the sales and begrudgingly shoved all their precious nazi memorabilia in a closet for the time people will be ready for their grand vision.


  

Who´s probably behind it:

 

  

8. CALICO CAT CAFE

It´s a café. Where you eat and drink. While petting cats. Because Japan.


 You want fries with that?

 

Who´s probably behind it:

 

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