Things You May Or May Not Wish to Know

 

Short FAQ:

 

My name is Pauli Poisuo. I am a freelance writer.

I write anything in English and Finnish. I have also a background in layout & graphic design, mainly print media.

This little sliver of the Internet is what I call home, but you can also find me at Cracked.com where I operate as a freelance contributor:  

http://www.cracked.com/members/Collision

If you have writing gigs or other good things you may wish to throw my way, my E-mail address is theunpronounceable@gmail.com.

***

 

Long FAQ:

 

QUESTION: Arrgh. I can´t remember anything from last night. Must´ve drank like fourteen– Wait, what? Where am I?

ANSWER: HAIL, SIR KNIGHT, AND WELCOME TO THE MAGICAL HALLS OF GLORY THAT MANY HAVE SEARCHED BUT FEW HAVE FOUND! HERE THOU SHALT FIND-

  *

Q: Oh, cut the crap, will you? And don´t shout, my head is killing me.

A: Of course. Sorry.

*

Q: That´s better. You wouldn´t have any booze on you, would you?

A: I would.

 *

Q: Could you give me some?

A: No.

*

Q: Worth a shot. Well, I´m good as long as you don´t shout that geek crap at me anymore. So… What exactly is this, then? For real this time.

A: Well… long story short, this is a combination of a blog, a collection of comedy articles and short stories and all sorts of things by me. A bit of a potfolio, if you will.

Q: So it´s a blog. Fuck that! Tell me one reason why I shouldn´t stop reading right now.

A: You can, if you wish.

  *

Q: Damn right. And don´t you forget it.

A: Don´t worry, I won´t.

*

Q: …

A: Still here, I see.

  *

Q: Um, well… might as well take a look around while I try to find my horse and gear.

A: Finding them is easy, but getting them to leave might be a bit difficult. Your steed seems to like the comedy section, while your armor and pack are torn between the blog and the flashfic section. Incidentally, I should keep them in better check if I was you; the horse in particular has a tendency to double-post comments.

  *

Q: What?

A: These things happen in the magical halls of glory, you know. I´m sure I mentioned them, like, a minute ago.

  *

Q: Now you just wait a minute. I can sort of understand Betsy reading. She´s a smart horse. But my stuff?

A: Magical halls again, I´m afraid. But honestly, if I was you I´d be more worried about the fact that you´re, in fact, only wearing your underpants.

    *

Q: Crap. But heeeey… WAIT just a second. I´m starting to remember stuff now. I´m no damn knight. My name is Phil! I´m a plumber from Tallahassee! What the hell is going on here?

A: Yeah, about that. The thing is… you don´t really exist. At least in the conventional sense. I wrote you. Up until a second ago you were a nameless character I was gonna use to ask all the right questions for a humorous FAQ.

 *  

Q: …

A: I meant you to be just some random cynical Internet guy with a hangover. Then you unexpectedly became a knight, and now all of a sudden you´re Phil the Plumber from Tallahassee. Must´ve changed my mind on the fly. I do that sometimes.

 *  

Q: No shit? You know, that actually makes sense in a spine-chilling sort of way. So I´m a character. Ok, I´ll act like one. Say, what do I look like? Throw me a bone here.

A: I think of you as a cross of Phil Collins, Super Mario and a groundhog.

   *

Q: Seriously? What the hell, man?

A: All I could do was not make your home town Punxsutawney.

 *  

Q: I repeat: what the hell?

A: I am drinking whisky and have done so for a while now.

*   

Q: That explains it. So… what did you create me for? What do you want me to do?

A: Just a couple of quick questions. Let´s see… you did the “What is this place?” already, so just “Who are you?” and “What do you do?” remain.

 *

Q: That´s it? That´s all you plan to do with me? What do I gain here?

A: Nothing, really. But you don´t really have a choice, so get to it or I´ll write you waist deep in a piranha pool.

  *

Q: …all right then. Here goes the first one: Who are you?

A: I´m so glad you asked! My name is Pauli Poisuo. I write under both my own name and my handle slash pen name, which is The Unpronounceable for obvious reasons. I suspect I may have a larger amount of imagination than is generally considered healthy. For instance, I am now starting to think you are a basset hound.

   *

Q: Oh, come ON nowwwaarf… Arf. Wuff

A: Well, I mainly write in English and my native language of Finnish, a.k.a the undecipherable gibberish you may encounter here on occasion. I also do graphic design and layout, mainly print media.

You are most welcome to contact me for writing gigs, if you wish. My e-mail address is theunpronounceable@gmail.com.

 

***

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