Excuses: The Game

So, it´s been a while since I put anything worthwhile  here. I know. Sorry. As is the ancient custom of ass-for-brains bloggers who never remember to post anything, I will now provide you with a suitable set of excuses as to why I´ve been holdin´ out on that sweet, sweet halfassed comedy you can get absolutely nowhere else on the Internet wheresoever.

But know, dear readers, that you have been on my mind. All four of you. Sometimes not a month goes by without my vaguely remembering your existence, at least on a theoretical level. Therefore, I want to give you something more than just those same old boring “look, I´ve been real busy” explanations. That shit is just the blogger whining for attention until someone rubs his belly in the comments section.

So, to make this real interesting, I suggest we do this as a game. Yeah! I know! Fuckin´A!

Let´s do this! Here are the rules:

Rule One: You will not talk about Fight Club  Um. No, that´s not what we´re doing here.

Rule Two: You will not talk about Fight Club What? No! Let´s start over.

Rule One: You will not talk about Fi  Er. This is rather embarassing. See, I saw that movie a while ago and now I can´t seem to write anything about rules without it turning into a Fight Club joke. It´s a condition I have.

Okay, I´ll give it one more try:

Rule One: You

GOD DAMMIT

Look, just guess which excuses are correct, ok? The one who gets the most points is the winner.

Here goes!

Excuse 1: Day job was hectic for quite some time there.

Excuse 2: I had a whole month´s vacation – first one since I was a kid!

Excuse 3: I moved to another city.

Excuse 4: Hardware problems.

Excuse 5: I joined a cult.

Excuse 6: A dog ate my Internet.

Excuse 7: An Internet ate my dog.

Excuse 8: Ha! I don´t even have a dog and am in fact making all this up because I´m too lazy to come up with a proper explanation.

Excuse 9: Shit, I just revealed my cunning plan there. That was probably a bad move.

Excuse 10: I joined a kickass writers´ collective that consists of some of the best freelance talent of a certain major website I´ve been writing for.

Excuse 11: I´ve just been busy preparing and researching a bunch of articles and pitches that are nearing their completion. From now on I´m going to update this blog at least once a week, as a rule.

rule? Wait, shit! I didn´t mean to –

Rule 1: You will not talk about Fight Cl

You will not talk about F

You will not talk

You will not 

GOD DAMMIT

(Correct answers will be posted tomorrow!)

8 Comments

Filed under Blog entry, Comedy

8 responses to “Excuses: The Game

  1. What’s going on, man. I’ve been going around to various Cracked contributors’ blogs to see what people have been up to. Yours is the only one to make an actual game of the excuses. Kudos. I’m fairly certain there will be at least a few Cracked articles bylined by you over the coming weeks. As for myself, I’ve been off in the wilderness doing some volunteer work, having forsaken all earthly possessions, and will re-enter that workshop…hopefully very soon. Stay gold…

  2. Cheers man! Yeah I noticed you haven´t been around — good to hear you haven´t been completely swallowed up by that “real world” people keep telling me about. Do hit the Workshop when you have time.
    As for Cracked, I´ve got nothing on the Accepted pipeline at the moment thanks to two months´ worth of time consuming other stuff, but I´m slowly picking up where I left and hoping to snatch me a deadline next week with one of the works-in-progress. We´ll see how it goes – freelancing is always a bit of a bitch, timeframe wise.

  3. yeah.

    i just read your article on cracked about the statues. very informative. however, the picture of the araucaria is not quite right. although it may actually be of the correct type (genus, whatever) the araucaria the turd statue refers to is actually one of these:

    Araucaria angustifolia

    (which as you can see at least somewhat resembles the statue. somewhat.)
    cheers!

  4. So what exactly where the real ones? My money’s on 6. Hope to see some more Cracked stuff soon as well, your pieces are among the best on the site.

    • Well, cut my legs and call me Gimli — I forgot the answers! 1, 2, 4, 10 (more on that later) and 11 (except for the weekly update part it seems) are correct.

      As for my future in Cracked: one, glad you like my stuff, and two, I’m very much back in business there. There are a couple of articles in the editing table as we speak, and quite a few more in the pitching pipeline. Stay tuned, and stay classy!

  5. Lor

    Hey…you have more than 4 followers. Why are we not celebrating?

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