We Are (Temp’rily) Moving And Our New Address Is…

The project I mentioned in the earlier post is now underway and can be followed at Tumblr. It’s called

YEAR OF THE FAT BASTARD

…and it’s exactly what it says on the tin.

While I will probably also pay some attention to maintaining this site, that blog will be my main word vomiting bucket throughout 2012. So if you’re into Tumblr scene at all, I’m looking forward to seeing all you guys there.

Let the New Shit Begin

Right, as some people have noticed, there’ s been a distinct lack of content here lately. This has been largely due to the fact that my day job and freelancing for Cracked.com have kept me extremely busy and the way things look like, my positive problem of having more work than I can eat is going to continue for the foreseeable future.

But!

There’s another thing I’ve been working on. It’s a blog of sorts, with a central theme and  continuity and regular updates and shit. The plan, in fact, is to update daily, but seeing as there’s no way in hell I can manage that, I’ll probably settle for three times a week or something like that. We’ll see.

The working title of the project is The Year of the Fat Bastard  and it may or may not have something to do with a number of foolish things I’ve promised to start doing in 2012. Launching date, therefore, will be January 1, although I can probably manage a couple of tentative test posts before that. Links shall be delivered as soon as I can get stuff done.

The Unpronounceable will remain in its comfortable semi-slumber, updated whenever I remember to.

So there. With those words, Merry Christmas everyone!

A Quickie

Dear Blog Thing,

Still busy as hell and also it’s 1.20, so I’ll keep this shortish.

Had an article about robots out. Not exactly a roaring success, traffic wise — the robot ones tend not to be — but regardless of the subject, I think it is easily the best piece I’ve had on the front page on the site. I’ve never had more fun writing anything, and I think a little bit of it shows in the end product. You can read it here if you like.

Meanwhile, the food article seems to be doing insanely well for reasons I can comprehend even less than I can understand people who keep telling me it’s completely OK to put cellulose in our food without telling us and charging us the price of actual food, because it’s not poisonous.

There’s a bunch of more fairly recent stuff o’mine that has somehow ended up on the Cracked front page, too. You can find the complete collection here, if you’re into that sort of thing.

Right, and I also freelance edit for Cracked nowadays. Have been at it for a while actually, but since I’ve been outed in the Cracked Workshop just a short time ago, I think it’s finally safe to admit it here too.

There’s a bunch of other projects, too. Ones that are in too early stages to properly discuss, but rest assured they keep me all worked up in every possible sense of the phrase.

I am busy doing all this because of one thing, and one thing only: the completely awesome Cracked Comedy Workshop. (GO REGISTER THERE RIGHT NOW.) Also, the fact that I am an invincible robotic deity that doesn’t need sleep at all. But mainly the Workshop.

Oh, one more thing before the fat lady sings: the Wordplague gang has added a new title in their impressive E-book lineup. I’m not in that one (sorry/yay, depending on your feelings on this). But it does feature an insane all-star writer ensemble cast, so there is really no reason not to buy it. I actually had the chance to read it over the weekend and I can personally vouch for the awesomeness of every single word and illustration between its glorious covers. It’s called the Deathbook. Can you guess what it’s about?

This concludes your briefing. Your computer will self destruct in 4…3…2…1…

Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Mommy, what’s a “Wordplague?”

For a while now, there’s been something awful stirring on the Cracked.com writers’ forums. It was no surprise, really — one can hardly expect to put so many half-molten minds in one pot and expect trouble not to happen.

This spring, nature finally took its course. I won’t go into details (rest assured they are exactly as ugly, perverse and borderline criminal as you imagine from a bunch of Internet comedians), but the pot  finally started boiling. When the froth was gone and the liquid had boiled away, there was… something writhing at the bottom.

What was it, you ask?

Fuckin’  Wordplague, that’s what!

Yes — some of the best writers and artists that have done stuff for Cracked (and myself — but hey, can’t complain) and many other sites have formed a publishing community. It’s got a kickass website, built with his two own fists by this guy. You can meet the part of the gang that has remembered to put up bios here, though there’s plenty more of us — not to mention the amazing array of featured guest authors. Hell, there’s even a forum where you can hang around with the writer people — if you’ve ever wanted to find out what makes an Internet dick joke writer tick, or perhaps get pro tips on becoming one yourself, that’s probably one of the best places on the Web to do it.

Ok, I think that was about it… No, wait, the books. There’s books, people! Or rather, E-books, though physical ones are on the way.

Within the next couple of weeks, I’ll give you a detailed rundown of what is — and will be — rocking your socks this season of rains, but if you’re feeling like taking a quick sneak peek, try this link.  You may notice the words “David,” “Wong” and “Charity” on one of the books, and ask yourself what the fuck is the Cracked.com senior editor and the creator of John Dies at the End himself doing writing forewords for a random bunch like us. But that’s a story for another blog post…

…or, you know, for the people who Like Wordplague on Facebook.

Excuses: The Game

So, it´s been a while since I put anything worthwhile  here. I know. Sorry. As is the ancient custom of ass-for-brains bloggers who never remember to post anything, I will now provide you with a suitable set of excuses as to why I´ve been holdin´ out on that sweet, sweet halfassed comedy you can get absolutely nowhere else on the Internet wheresoever.

But know, dear readers, that you have been on my mind. All four of you. Sometimes not a month goes by without my vaguely remembering your existence, at least on a theoretical level. Therefore, I want to give you something more than just those same old boring “look, I´ve been real busy” explanations. That shit is just the blogger whining for attention until someone rubs his belly in the comments section.

So, to make this real interesting, I suggest we do this as a game. Yeah! I know! Fuckin´A!

Let´s do this! Here are the rules:

Rule One: You will not talk about Fight Club  Um. No, that´s not what we´re doing here.

Rule Two: You will not talk about Fight Club What? No! Let´s start over.

Rule One: You will not talk about Fi  Er. This is rather embarassing. See, I saw that movie a while ago and now I can´t seem to write anything about rules without it turning into a Fight Club joke. It´s a condition I have.

Okay, I´ll give it one more try:

Rule One: You

GOD DAMMIT

Look, just guess which excuses are correct, ok? The one who gets the most points is the winner.

Here goes!

Excuse 1: Day job was hectic for quite some time there.

Excuse 2: I had a whole month´s vacation – first one since I was a kid!

Excuse 3: I moved to another city.

Excuse 4: Hardware problems.

Excuse 5: I joined a cult.

Excuse 6: A dog ate my Internet.

Excuse 7: An Internet ate my dog.

Excuse 8: Ha! I don´t even have a dog and am in fact making all this up because I´m too lazy to come up with a proper explanation.

Excuse 9: Shit, I just revealed my cunning plan there. That was probably a bad move.

Excuse 10: I joined a kickass writers´ collective that consists of some of the best freelance talent of a certain major website I´ve been writing for.

Excuse 11: I´ve just been busy preparing and researching a bunch of articles and pitches that are nearing their completion. From now on I´m going to update this blog at least once a week, as a rule.

…rule? Wait, shit! I didn´t mean to –

Rule 1: You will not talk about Fight Cl

You will not talk about F

You will not talk

You will not 

GOD DAMMIT

(Correct answers will be posted tomorrow!)

OK, now you´re just rubbing it in

Take a look at the Cracked.com front page. Go ahead, I´ll wait.

Yeah. It´s me again.

I don´t know what is going on, but judging by the existing evidence I must have been extra nice in a previous life, or last Christmas, or last Christmas in a previous life.
Seriously, I must´ve been like Gandhi. Granted, Gandhi probably wasn´t all that keen on Christmas, but…

…alright, running out of metaphors here. Just read the article, willya?

http://www.cracked.com/article_19117_7-horrible-ways-universe-can-destroy-us-without-warning.html

Cracked stuff, part treux

“Wait, what?” you ask? ”Even more articles?”

Why, yes! Please enjoy my Friday Special. It´s about how mankind should save nature, and also about making bacteria poop.

But mostly about making bacteria poop.

http://www.cracked.com/article_19133_6-ways-nature-cleans-up-our-messes-better-than-we-do.html